last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
