sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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