GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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