Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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