Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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