Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
