mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
