I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
