I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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