literally had 100 drinks last night.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
