mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'm having to shit out rocks
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
