Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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