I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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