Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
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