I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
