It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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