i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
