I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
