Do you still have your period?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
