I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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