I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
