i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
