how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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