Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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