I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
