my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
