So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
