i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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