I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
