Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
