I think I won the penis lottery.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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