Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
