i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
