woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
