i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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