Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
