just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
