At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I AM VODKA MAN
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
