I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
