I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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