Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
