miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
