The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
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