am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
