I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
