soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
