i jhust puked up my retainher.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
