Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
