I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
