I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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