I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
