I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Randomize
