This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
