Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
