Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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