sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I am mentally ready for anal.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
