just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
