We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
